DEAR DEIDRE: MY lover’s hubby suspects she is cheating and has threatened to kill any man “making a fool of him”.
I’m actually a 26-year-old woman, although he still absolutely terrifies the life out of me.
I would have walked away months ago if I was not completely hooked on her.
Even though I’ve never met the husband, I’ve heard enough to know he is bad news.
My lover is 34 and we met at work. We are machinists for a clothing company.
I’m a staff mentor and we got to know one another when she asked if she could talk to me about her anxiety.
Over the weeks she confided that her husband is abusive and has beaten her up on several occasions.
My dad was a bully and abusive. He died of cancer three years ago. Because of our common experience the two of us connected.
She opened up that she desperately wanted to leave her husband.
Our relationship developed from friendly colleagues to close friends and then committed lovers.
I’m openly gay and single.
The night we first went out together, she walked into the wine bar looking stunning. Our conversation flowed and there was intense sexual tension.
We left the wine bar, arm in arm.
The following week, I invited her to my flat where I cooked her a meal.
After dinner, we kissed. She told me she’d never been with a woman before and was nervous.
I reassured her and we went to my bedroom and the sex was tender and loving.
We’ve been seeing one another when we can. She’s so happy when we are together.
She’s said that if she finds the courage to leave her husband, we can be together.
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He’s now suspicious and has accused her of cheating with a man.
Despite me being a woman, I’m still scared. I love her though.
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DEIDRE SAYS: As hard as it is to hear, I’m afraid you can’t intervene.
Having an affair is risky and she needs to sort her marriage out one way or the other.
Only then can you decide if you are truly compatible.
Right now, any loving relationship must feel wonderful if her home life is so dreadful.
That’s not to say it won’t work out – but for now, avoid complicating your private and work life.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
Encourage her to find help through Women’s Aid. It offers a chat service for when you don’t want to be overheard (chat.womensaid.org.uk).
She may then decide her future is with you and not her husband.